Writing...A New Beginning

I've been wanting to write a blog for awhile now but haven't felt like I had anything to say.  "Who am I to think I have anything important to say and who cares what I do have to say??"  Actually, that is just part of the reason I hadn't started blogging.  The main reason is that I have been afraid that I don't know how to write what I've been wanting to say. 

I've had the idea that I couldn't write for years.  I actually have proof I can't.  I was diagnosed with a learning disability when I was in university.  I found it hard (and still do) to read the simplest things.  I had to keep rereading and rereading the same thing again and again.  It took me hours to get through a couple pages of a text book.  I couldn't get through 2 pages without crying because I didn't understand it and couldn't remember what I had read 2 minutes earlier. I would get welts all over my body from the stress of studying.  I couldn't write down what I wanted to say.  All my words formed perfect sentences in my mind but got all jumbled up when I went to write them out.  I couldn't sit in a lecture and listen and take notes at the same time.  I didn't understand what was wrong with me.  Everyone else seemed to be breezing through the courses with no problems!  They were taking notes, listening and smiling all at the same time!  I confessed my anguish to a counselor and they suggested I get tested.  The results came back.  LEARNING DISABLED.  I have to admit that what I felt was relief.  There was a condition responsible for my difficulties and it wasn't "me".  I thought it was me for years,  that I wasn't smart enough or good enough or something like that.

I got a lot of help from the university.  They had someone come to my lectures and take notes so I could just listen.  Someone taped themselves reading all my textbooks so I could listen and read at the same time.  My sister sat with me at the computer and she graciously typed what I was spitting out into the most beautiful sentences. I am so grateful for all the help that I received.  It did make life a little easier although it was still tough. Really tough.  And it still is.  I still experience these difficulties. 

I am so scared to write.  I still freak out and cry sometimes and my heart feels like it is jumping out of my chest.  It has taken me over 7 hours within a week to write this one blog entry.  I keep trying to get it right.  I keep reading it over and changing it.  I keep comparing my writing and wishing it was like other peoples' writing.  I want to be them.  I want the words to flow and be whimsical and impacting.  I have it that I should be able to sit down and whip off an entry in minutes.  I get that my words might not make a difference. I might not having flowing sentences and a whimsical sense of humour.  I will have spelling mistakes, grammar errors and disjointed ideas and I am afraid that people will judge me for all of this.  But I am writing.   The voice inside my head is yelling at me so loud right now saying "You can't do this!! You're not a writer!  You are making a fool of yourself!  People will judge you because of your spelling and grammar!  You have nothing to say!  You suck at this!!!"  Well....Screw the voice!  I have listened to that voice for too long.  I have kept myself small listening to that voice.  People are going to judge me no matter what I do!  So, here I am. Writing. I am way out of my comfort zone. I am sooooo uncomfortable.  That is how I know I am growing, expanding, creating myself anew. 

I am writing...a new beginning.  Welcome.