Going Down the Rabbit Hole...Not This Time!

If you know me, you know my dating history!  And I am sure you are smiling right now thinking about it!  If you don't, well you wouldn't believe the stories if I told you!  I have people begging me to tell them one of my dating stories at parties and get togethers all the time!  I love watching people's faces as I go into great detail about the trials and tribulations of my world of dating.  Mouths drop, eyes pop out, heads shake out of disbelief and so much laughter!  I laugh now too.  But at the time of each of these experiences, I wasn't laughing at all.  I was heartbroken, sad, angry, pissed off and a great big "F*@& YOU" to men and life in general.  I kept asking myself and whoever else was listening, "Why Me?!.  Do I have a huge sign on my forehead saying that I am looking for guys to break my heart and treat me like sh**??"  I would go down the rabbit hole of self destruction.  I would tell myself that I didn't matter to them, that I wasn't important, I was completely forgettable, that they just wanted to get laid and that they didn't care about me.....the thoughts were endless and ever furthering me deeper into the blackness.

Now, I have had a couple of wonderful men in my life that loved me, but I would still find something wrong and go down the rabbit hole.  I am realizing that it is a habit for my mind to go there, into the darkenss.  It is comfortable there, even though it is not comfortable. But it is what it knows.  I have however, seen something new for myself in the last couple of weeks.  I met a guy at a Thanksgiving party (thanks to a friend who set us up!) and I was noticing that I was going down the rabbit hole because of stuff he did do or stuff he didn't do.  It was all too familiar the feelings of  "I'm not important.  I'm not cared about.  I'm already forgotten....."  In a moment last week, I got that I had thought these thoughts before and felt these feelings before...in almost every experience I have had with men.  Hmmmm...interesting.  I looked at it, standing on the outside of my thoughts and feelings as if I was an observer. I saw something so great, so amazing!  I saw that was my story/thoughts about myself.  I had this story/thoughts that I was not important, not loved, easily forgotten and disposable.  Wow!  That was the story, the thoughts that have been underlying my life!  I saw that I attracted men into my life so as to keep this crazy story going!!  It wasn't them, it was me who doing this to myself!  Do you know how liberating it was to get to that place of realization!  I didn't have to be angry with any of these men!  I could let go of the sadness and darkenss about my experiences with them!!  I could be grateful for them!! They just played an Oscar winning performance in my Life Story called "I'm Not Important"!!!  I have decided to close that particular storybook.  I'm not even going to finish a chapter in it...I mean I am CLOSING THE BOOK!!  Forever!!  YAY!!  I did just that the other night.  I saw a picture in my mind of a really, really, really old leather bound book, covered in dust, thousands of pages thick, slam shut with such force it echoed for minutes!!! 

I am not saying that I haven't started going down the rabbit hole again though.  I did start to go down the hole again this week when I didn't hear back from this guy I met at Thanksgiving.  When I met him, he told me he was moving from Vancouver back to Ontario in the middle of November.  I chose to still be with him for the few weeks he was in town and I did have fun!  However, over the past 2 weeks I have hardly heard from him at all, and I never saw him again. He moved yesterday.  Instead of going back into my old stories, I realized that everything I tell myself is a story.  It is all made up.  Who knows what he was thinking, what he wanted, how he felt about me?? I may never know.  But why tell myself something that will make me feel like shit?  Why tell myself something that will take me into the darkness of my rabbit hole??  So I have chosen to tell myself a new story about my experience with him, a far more empowering one!! Here it is...He liked me so much that he couldn't bear to talk to me again or see me before he moved as it would have been to heartbreaking for him to leave.  Simple, sweet and light!  I like this story much better then my old one.  That book is closed and locked! 

Time to starting writing a new book.  I think starting to write this blog is great way to do that!

Much love and gratitude.