WOTW #10 - AUTHENTICITY

Authenticity was the word of the week last week.  "Add your unique ingredients to the mix.  Be real.  Express yourself.  Uncloak your originality and manifest your pure potential."

This was a hard one for me.  Authenticity.  Being Authentic.  Being me.  All of me.  Nothing hidden.  Self-expression.  Damn!  It was hard, and still is.  I'm struggling with who I am really am.  What do I like?  What don't I like?  What I want?  What don't I want?  Is it what I really want to do?? Or is it something that I think others want me to do??  And there times when I know I want to do something or have something and then I make myself super wrong for wanting them.  A no win situation.   How can I be authentic when I make myself wrong for being me??

What came out of working with my coach this week was perfect timing...although I didn't see it at the time.  She has me working on "Vulnerability".   For homework she wants me to write down what being vulnerable means to me.  Again, DAMN!  Seriously!!  I went researching.  I asked friends what they felt being vulnerable meant.  I got all kinds of answers.  All were very personal, yet they were all the same.  Loving freely and passionately, being open, speaking what is there for them, stepping into the unknown. 

Someone also directed me to a video on TED.  Brene Brown talks about the power of vulnerability (I've added it to the end of the blog).  Not until after watching the video and visiting her website (http://www.brenebrown.com) did I understand that being vulnerable and being authentic goes hand in hand.  To be authentic with who you are you must be vulnerable.  To be vulnerable (according to Brene Brown) you must be seen fully, to love with our whole heart even if there are no guarantees, practice gratitude and joy, and "I am Enough".  

I was so stuck by what Brene Brown wrote that I had to share some of it with you. 

  

 "Wholehearted living is about engaging in our lives from a place of worthiness. It means cultivating the courage, compassion, and connection to wake up in the morning and think, No matter what gets done and how much is left undone; I am enough.

It’s going to bed at night thinking, Yes, I am imperfect and vulnerable and sometimes afraid, but that doesn’t change the truth that I am also brave and worthy of love and belonging."

"How do we learn to embrace our vulnerabilities and imperfections so that we can engage in our lives from a place of authenticity and worthiness? How do we cultivate the courage, compassion, and connection that we need to recognize that we are enough – that we are worthy of love, belonging, and joy?"

So, I am going to look here for awhile. In authenticity and vulnerability. Wholehearted. These will be my words of the week for a couple of weeks.  I am going on holidays down to California to visit some friends and will most likely not be posting while I am away.

Enjoy looking within yourself.  What does being authentic mean to you??  What does being vulnerable mean to you??  What actions can you take in your life to be more of each?

WOTW #9 -CREATIVITY

Hi.  Thanks for coming back. 

Creativity was last weeks word.
"Life is a creative process with many possibilities.  Move beyond any preconceived thought, feelings and beliefs and engage with your unique expression now".

I didn't feel very creative this week. Actually, I didn't create being creative.  I was hiding out.

What I did do was my homework from my career coach.  The homework was to write down all the complaints about myself.  When I actually sat down to do it (and I REALLY didn't want to do it) they came pretty easy.  I have a lot of complaints about myself and life.  All my complaints boil down to 3 major ones- I shouldn't be this way, Life shouldn't be this way, Others shouldn't be this way. 

Wow!  There are a lot of "shouldn't s" in there.  I am understanding that living much of my life in my complaints is robbing me of so much life and energy.  I am actually missing the present moment. I am missing possibility and love in every moment.  I am robbing myself of my well being (I eat/binge, I sleep and hibernate, I am sick a lot); self expression (I am scared to ask for what I want, I become small and try to become invisible and I worry about what others think); love (I have little self love and self acceptance, no romantic relationship); affinity (I am missing a liking/love for life and what is actually happening in my life); fulfillment/satisfaction (I am often unhappy, I see what is missing instead of what I have). 

Thinking that what is actually happening in the moment/situation is wrong and shouldn't be happening; or thinking that the other people shouldn't be doing/saying what they are doing/saying; or that I shouldn't be thinking/doing/being/feeling who/what I am in the moment and wishing I was different is so destructive.  And it keeps me in a creative pattern of being frustrated, angry, closed down, small, pissed off, sad, f*@# you, walls up, giving up, pulling away, attacking, temper tantrums, righteous, victim, martyrdom, hopeless and longing.  I keep creating these feelings and actions whenever I am thinking a "shouldn't".

So, I have been very creative this week and for my whole life!  I have created unconscious patterns of  darkness and make wrong.  But now I see this.  Now when I can catch myself thinking a "shouldn't" I can then choose something else.  Something more peaceful, accepting and loving.  I can then create consciously.  Cause either way I am creating!!  I would much rather create light, love and possibility!   What about you?

The word for next week is         *****AUTHENTICITY*****

"Add your unique ingredients to the mix.  Be real.  Express yourself.  Uncloak your originality and manifest your pure potential."

WOTW #8 - INTENTION

Hi! Thanks for joining me again!

The word for this past week was INTENTION.
"Keep your sight on your goal.  Direct your energy and attention to who you want to be and where you want to go.  Stay aligned and focused".

My main goal is to get myself out of my wee little box I have been living in.  I have my box so tightly guarded and closed off that only what I think should show up, how it should show up and what it should look like can only get in.  My sister said something great to me that really has me thinking..."You have too many expectations of what your life should be and not enough open doors (to allow in what could be)." Yup!  I am really starting to see this.  I wonder what I have missed because it didn't look, act or do what I thought it should?? Hmmm...Oh well, no sense crying over spilt milk!

I have a career coach now and I love having someone else outside my little box seeing stuff I can't see and encouraging me to peek out...(well actually to bust out, but we are taking baby steps!).  I didn't know I was so closed off and so rigid.  She has me asking people what they love about their jobs and why they do what they do.  She feels I have an entrepreneurial spirit.  Well! I have so many conversations about that running through my head!!  Inside my little compartment, that doesn't fit.  That idea, or possibility is to big for where I live.  But I can see that.  I can see the conversations that keep that out, and I am willing to push past them.  I want to be bigger. Not only do I want to be bigger, but I don't want any walls around me.  So no matter how scared I am, or what conversations are running in my head, or what emotions are coming up....I am doing it.  I really want a better view from my Life Window!

Something else I did this week was go shopping at a second hand store and look for clothes that I wouldn't normally pick out and try on.  I am feeling quite frumpy with my day to day clothes.  I want to feel more feminine.  So, outside my little box I went and it was quite fun out there in the big world of clothes and fashion!  I bought a few pieces and I am learning how to put things together.  Oh boy!!  I'm peeking out a little more now!

Asking myself the questions "Who am I being right now?" and "Who do I want to be?" are helping me stay focused on who I want to be.  If I'm frustrated, I would ask myself "Who are you being right now??  Frustrated and angry.  Who do you want to be??  Peaceful, patient and compassionate".  Being aware has me choose to open the lid and glance out onto the brighter world and brighter me.  What if you were to ask yourself those questions during the day?  What would open up for you??

I must say it feels "comfortable" inside my little home.  It is only "comfortable" because it is known.  I know exactly what is going to happen and I feel fairly safe.  But damn!  I need some sunshine!!!  I need air!!  I need exercise!!  So, feeling uncomfortable just means I'm stepping out and getting some light.  And boy, does it feel good!  Don't worry, I have my 30spf sunscreen on!

Ok!  The word for this week is             *****CREATIVITY*****

"Life is a creative process with many possibilities.  Move beyond any preconceived thoughts, feelings and beliefs and engage with your unique expression now".

Creativity!  So many possibilities!!   Have a fun, creative week!!

WOTW #7 - JOY

Hello!

This past weeks word was JOY.
"Approach life with a buoyant attitude, light heart, and unencumbered mind.  Let joy lift your spirit and fill each moment."

This week I was conscious of the idea of a "light heart and buoyant attitude".  Just waking up and being thankful for another day.  Being joyful that I had another day to live and create and be in.  It wasn't a dramatic shift for me, just a simple thought about "keeping it light".   Nothing major happened during the week, but I felt a little bounce to my step, a smile on my lips and my whistling filled the air.  I seemed to just "be".  It was a lovely place to be in.  I felt more grounded.  More grateful and more mindful of the small details.  I actually felt more "quiet".  There was no major highs or no major lows.  Just a sense of contentment.

Is that what joy is??  I thought it was suppose to be full of energy and excitement and enthusiasm.  I was making myself wrong sometimes during the week as I wasn't experiencing any of those "E" words.  But then I thought...why does JOY have to look and be a certain way??  Why am I putting a condition or state on joy??  What's wrong with feeling peaceful and feeling fulfilled within the small and quiet details of life??  Nothing is wrong with any of it!  I am seeing that feeling excited or quiet can be joyful if my heart is light!!  And I love the feeling of a light heart!!

What does JOY mean to you??  When do you feel joyful??  Have you experienced a lightness of heart??  How did it feel?? What were you doing??



The word for this week is...................******INTENTION******

"Keep your sight on your goal.  Direct your energy and attention to who you want to be and where you want to go.  Stay aligned and focused".

OOOHHHHHH...who do you want to be and where do you want to go??!!  Have a fun intentional week!! 

WOTW #6 - SIMPLICITY

The word for this past week was SIMPLICITY.

"Simply be yourself.  Look past the fanfare and drama to what is enduring.  Take time to clarify what is important to you and let nonessentials fall away."

For me this week, it was made very clear what was important to me....my HEALTH.  I have been sick for 5 days this week.  At first I thought I had a bad cold or flu.  Fever, chills, aches and heaving sweating stayed with me for 2 days.  I hardly ate anything as I was unable to stand long enough to make anything.  It was horrible.  I was chugging back tons of natural remedies and drinking lots of liquids.  Finally the fever broke and the aching stopped.  Feeling semi-human, I ventured out into the world on Saturday...it was so nice to get out of my place and be among the living!  I couldn't stop coughing though, so I headed off to a walk-in clinic this morning and waited for 2 hours to see the doctor.  He told me I had "walking pneumonia".  Wow!  That is something I haven't had before.  No wonder I couldn't get better!

I am grateful that is all I have.  I am grateful that for 38 years I have been very healthy with nothing more then this current diagnoses to call the worst!  It was awful being bed ridden for days, especially with no one to take care of me (I know I had a wee bit of self-pity but I think that is allowed when I'm sick!!)!  Lying there, I was present to how important health is.  Without your health, you don't have much of anything else!  No matter how much money you have, or what you do for a living, or how educationed you are...if you ain't got your health, you ain't got nothin'!
Not really in a space to be thinking of much else this week except getting better, I do know one more thing that is super important to me...LOVE.  Love for myself.  Love for my friends and family.  Love for all.  Love in general.  I had a friend remind me that love is a choice -both giving and receiving. I forget that sometimes.  It was great to have the reminder.

I know there is more that is important to me...but right now I need to get into my pjs and hop into my cozy bed and get better.

The word for this week is JOY!
"Approach life with a buoyant attitude, light heart, and unencumbered mind.  Let joy lift your spirit and fill each moment."

Yay JOY!! Have a joyful week everyone!

WOTW #5 - ENTHUSIASM

Hello again and welcome back.

The word for this past week was ENTHUSIASM.

"Be present with zestful alertness!  Loosen your constraints and let your passion for life uplift others and generate new opportunities."

Enthusiasm.  To be honest, I didn't have any of it this week.  Or not much anyway.  I had a few small bursts of it during the week, but all and all I lacked it.

I am a bit confused about enthusiasm.  Is this something that is to be had and felt all the time?? Or is it fleeting?? Is it based on circumstances?? Or is it a choice??

I am looking at my life at the moment and asking why I am not feeling/being enthusiastic about it??  What is there or not there for me??  One thing that I noticed was missing was the feeling of a sense of purpose for my life.  What is my purpose?  Why am I here??  What is my life all about??  Right now I am feeling quite adrift in my life.  Actually, I have felt like this for most of my life.  Just drifting, without a purpose.  I am not feeling very excited about drifting without a particular aim or purpose.  Drifting with no direction.  I feel it is kind of hard to be enthusiastic about a life where I feel all alone without a clear idea of what I should do. 

So, when have I felt enthusiastic??  Let's start with that.  When have I been excited about my life??  I do recall times in my life when enthusiasm flowed out of my pores like thick sugary honey, and it sweetened my life and the lives of people around me.  It happened when I was doing something that I loved.  When I was so lit up and excited about what I was doing in my life.  Like when I have traveled and took pictures of the beauty in this world.  When I did something that stretched my boundaries of who I thought that I was (when I moved to Japan or traveled alone).  When I trained teenagers in the art of clown and witnessed magic as they experienced a part of themselves they never knew existed. 

For me, enthusiasm naturally is there when my heart is singing.  When I feel like I am contributing to this world and making a difference somehow.  It comes when I am out of my comfort zone, stretching my mind, my body, my heart and my soul.  When I am flowing in the unknown and magic of life.  When I am creating.

So, that is it.  I am not enthusiastic about my life at the moment because I am not doing what I love.  My heart is not singing.  I am not stretching.  I am not creating.

Time for me to discover and create something I love.  Time for me to be open to the magic of life.  My heart is ready to sing.  I have no idea what it could possibly be though.  But, I am thinking that is ok.  I don't have to know.  I could just flow in the unknown and create from there.

Enthusiasm, get ready!!  I look forward to your return!!  Ohhh....is that a bit of enthusiasm I am feeling right now?? 

What are you enthusiastic about??  What makes your heart sing??





The word for this week is  *****  SIMPLICITY*****

"Simply be yourself.  Look past the fanfare and drama to what is enduring.  Take time to clarify what is important to you and let nonessentials fall away."

Be myself??  Look past the drama??!!  Looks like an interesting week!!  Care to join me??

WOTW #4 - AWAKENING

Hello again!!!

This past week's word was AWAKENING! 

"Let the sun illuminate parts of you that are dormant, numb or forgotten.  Rub the sleep from your eyes and welcome the new dawn."

I think I expected something HUGE to happen this week.  Something so big that it would have rocked my world and changed it forever!  At first when I began writing this entry, I thought nothing happened at all this week.  That there were no awakenings.  However, looking back over the week I did see a couple of things.  Awakenings did happen, but they were much more subtle then I expected.

I had a fun week with food.  I bought ingredients that I have never purchased before and made some very yummy dinners.  One thing I had never bought before was coconut milk.  I bought a few cans and I got out all my spices and I put together an amazing coconut curry dinner with tons of veggies and tofu.  I also put some coconut milk over frozen blueberries and it made a delicious sweet ice creamy dessert!  I went to Costco and bought food that I had never allowed myself to buy because I didn't want to "waste" money on unnecessary spending.  I bought goat cheese gouda and a container of goat cheese spread.  Oh my Goddess!  So yummy!  Hummus was another item I bought.  I am loving my snacks and lunches at work now with all this new food!  I am eating tons more veggies and loving that as well.  And it is not because I feel I "have" to eat them, it is because I want to!!  I didn't know that switching and changing food could be so fun and add a little excitement to my life!  It's a small thing, but with all my eating issues in the past, I feel a new sense of pleasure around food.

I went to a party this weekend.  It was a huge celebration for the couple that were hosting.  It was a wonderful evening full of food, friends and lots of love and laughter.  I was sitting there in awe the whole evening.  I have admired these 2 individuals since I had meet them a couple of years ago.  I don't know them well, but what I know of them, I love.  They are each incredible individuals with hearts of gold and they have such a warm and loving energy about them.  Put them together and they make an incredible couple.  And this incredible couple bought an incredible home.  The house is a dream house of mine.  A character house built in 1913.  They also created a wonderful organization called Thrive Alive Foundation that subsidizes cancer treatments not covered by government or health care plans for people in need all across Canada.  So I was sitting there, in this beautiful home, celebrating all that this couple had created so far and I all I could do was thank them for being them.  I thanked them for being so inspirational and for being an example of all that was possible.   It hit me that all of this was possible for me as well.  Not just for them.  But for me too.  I looked at the two of them and I realized that an amazing relationship was possible for me too.  I too could have a beautiful home and I too could create something that would make a difference in this world. 

It was an awakening of possibility.  An awakening of all my forgotten dreams, and they came rushing forward.  It felt like a deep breath through my body.  A sense of peace settled in my heart.   And a smile fell upon my lips.

My eyes are opening and welcoming a new dawn of possibility.

What awakenings happened for you this past week?? Were they big and earth shaking?? Or were they small and subtle??  Tell me about them!



Ok!!!!!!!!!  Time for this week's word!!!!!!!!!!!  Are you ready????!!!

                               *****ENTHUSIASM!!!*****

"Be present with zestful alertness!  Loosen your constraints and let your passion for life uplift others and generate new opportunities."

Wooooooooeeeeeee!!  Are you ready for some enthusiasm???  What would your week and life look like if you took everything on with great enthusiasm??  I would love to hear about it!!  Have fun!